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"If I shut up the heavens and there is no rain; if I command the locusts to ravage the land; or if I let loose pestilence against My people, when My people, who bear My name, humble themselves, pray, and seek My favor and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear in My heavenly abode and forgive their sins and heal their land." II Chronicles 7:13-14;
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The Royal Road to Romance
The Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life
by Vicki Montgomery
He is funny and has a great smile. He’s witty, charming and gives you the nicest presents. He surprises you with flowers. All the girls go crazy over him. And look at that car...! He must really be successful to be driving around in something like that. And lucky you. He only has eyes for you! Oh, yesss.
Oh, and that woman.... What a woman! Beautiful, foxy, and intelligent too! You love the way her hair falls down over her face. And she says the most captivating things every time you are around her. She sure makes heads turn. And the two of you—wow! You really seem to connect.
So, you think you may have met the one. You know, THE ONE! The person you could spend the rest of your life with. What else could you possibly want?
The right one indeed? But, are you being a little hesitant? Is this really the love of your life? What? Are you not quite sure? How can you tell? You do not want to make a big mistake, do you? You have seen too many of those. How do you decide? What a predicament you are in.
When I was a girl my friends and I played a popular board game called the Barbie Game. The winner won the date with Ken. The loser got Poindexter. Poor Poindexter. No one wanted him. He was a nerd with glasses; very uncool and not sophisticated like Ken. On the other end of the spectrum Ken was a hunk, handsome, popular. A real catch!
I believe we young ladies thought that life was played much the same way as the Barbie Game. There was no one teaching us differently, so that must be the way we prepare for our future romance. We thought we were educated in the ways of the world. We were ready to jump into the social scene--sophisticated and armed with all we needed to find that special someone. Now we could advance to the level of “mature.”
But were we really ready? Just what did we learn about preparing for that wonderful but serious relationship that would transform us from a child’s world into adulthood? How could we know when we were ready for that permanent relationship, ready to share life with that so important person? Can we know for sure? Is it possible to pick the right one? How should we set the criteria for choosing a mate? How were we to even know ourselves well enough to know what WE had to offer a relationship? Finding a relationship seemed like a mystery or was it a matter of good luck? Perhaps only the very fortunate could hope to come out a winner and be forever happy with their choice of a mate.
After living through this scenario and raising four children, I now feel that I have something of value to share on the subject and a bit of wisdom that could benefit those in search of Mr. and Mrs. Right. Many mistakes and broken hearts later, my husband and I somehow survived the game. I learned that the journey is not one of mystery and luck but one of purpose, confidence, and certainty. I, like you, played the game. Sadly, starting out in the game like everyone else I didn’t need anyone telling me how to go about my business. So I thought.
Where Oh Where was My Mentor?
Oh how I wish I had been wiser. How I wish I would have had a mentor, someone to guide me in the right direction with good, sound advice. Someone to ask questions that challenged me. How much pain I could have been saved from--along with all the tears and wasted years.
Over the decades with all my struggles I have learned that there were very definite guidelines that I could have followed while looking for the right mate. There were standards that I could have developed to help me make good decisions. I would like to share some of these tools with you in hopes that you will be challenged to look beyond the superficial layer of today’s mentality. I hope you will be challenged to search and question who you are and what you want so that you can be a success in the romance department. I did not have a mentor when I needed one but I am hoping that it is not too late for you to allow me to perhaps be that for you. Welcome to the quest for The Royal Road to Romance!
The Success Rate of Today’s Romances
If one were to look at the success rate of today’s romantic entanglements, I believe most would agree that there is room for improvement. More than not there are people finding their romantic relationships not working for them. Please allow me to present some ideas for your consideration that may help you shape your concept of what a worthy romantic pursuit might involve.
The standard of the day appears to be one of “no standards.” Is it any wonder then that the “love game” has become such a disappointing endeavor for so many people? Often the first move people make is to use enticement, i.e., their good looks, sensuality, sex and raw animal behavior to lure a prospect. Ladies, if this is how you approach a man, then be assured, you will get one, but most likely he will be very unsatisfactory. You will likely reel in a piranha, and as you know piranhas eat people.
When a Woman Appeals to a Man
If a woman appeals to a man based only on his animal instincts, then she can expect to be treated like an animal—like dog in heat. Not flattering at all. What woman wants to be like a dog in a long succession of available canines whose sole purpose is to satisfy the urge of the moment?
Surely we were designed with a higher purpose in mind. Be assured, if you want to be treated respectfully, you must behave respectably. Do not forfeit your dignity. Your attire, speech, behavior, and companions speak volumes about you. You cannot flaunt yourself nor can you be tough and act like “one of the guys” and expect to be treated tenderly by men. Trying to be one of the guys will cheapen their image of you. (They will never tell you this because most men have not articulated that even for themselves, but the message is still recorded in their brains.) It is up to the females to help men be men--real men.
Women do not help men be real men by putting on a show, flirting and acting dumb. We do it by having self-respect, speaking intelligently with purpose and showing men that we are fellow human beings working through this wonderful process we call life. We do it with joy and gratitude to the CREATOR for all the abilities, desires and life experiences He has sent our way.
We do help men be real men with a love for learning about the wonderful world we are in and with anticipation that we will get to share this experience with an “other” who has a passion to do it with us. We will walk alongside this person each encouraging the other as we experience the process together. We show our reverence for life as we look at the other as a partner living life as a creative process with awe and respect for one another, not as a “catch,” something we win in a contest. Communication, friendship, and trust must be cultivated first and then after a time we realize we have a valuable relationship growing.
Romance is a beautiful outcome of this real thing because it is not based on shallowness and the superficial. Now there is greater depth to the feelings between the two people and the momentum keeps growing. Too many men and women fail to plant the seeds and cultivate them. Too many men and women wander aimlessly through vacant city lots abundant with weeds. They thrust their hand in the dirt and come up with a fistful of thorns covered with slugs. Where are the flowers? They are only to be found when one learns how to garden, by researching, planning and working the plan consistently taking special care to weed out the pests.
Ladies, do you want a good man, a real man? Then be a real woman. Women are feminine, they are unselfish and they have boundaries beyond which they will not allow themselves to go. The secret charms of a woman are not meant to be displayed in public for all to gape at, if done then there is no sense of wonder and mystery for a man. His sense of respect will not be aroused that way.
That mystery and wonder creates a magical draw. If you flaunt it all before the man before it is time, that magical feeling will disappear. Baring it all is cheap, something anyone can do, but virtue is priceless, something to be cherished. A man’s delight will be in a beauty who draws his admiration through her character and purity; purity of mind and appearance. He will want to protect that preciousness and handle it carefully. If a man is just out to “score,” it is best to identify him and weed him out as quickly as possible. Do not waste time with him, you will only wind up lost in the “wilderness.” Life is too precious to waste your time on this sort. This kind of man will only eat you alive. You define how people are to treat you and you determine your life situation by your decisions.
A New Way to Look at Men
I would like to present a number of questions that may challenge women to look at men in a new way. Men may also look at themselves and women from this perspective. Know that women’s issues will not always be the same way men’s, but both parties should consider character as a very important factor in the evaluation process.
The following list of questions is not implying that perfection is the goal. Instead, consider the following character qualities as a guideline for signature decisions. However, if you find a person who is grossly deficient in many of these traits or you find yourself troubled by some of these areas—take warning. Be smart! There is reason for caution. Slow down and evaluate what is going on. It may help you to avoid future misery. Recognize the good in this process and rejoice. You are developing discernment. You will reap the rewards of better decisions. Don’t ignore warnings and move full speed ahead. These troublesome areas will not just disappear. Be kind to yourself.
In learning what a man is all about, it is important to see him in many situations. Typically people are at their best when alone with another so make sure to see how he functions when others are around. How does he treat you in stressful situations? How does he behave towards other women? Does his behavior change with the people he is with or is he solid—the same with everyone?
Questions You Might Ask Yourself
Parents – What are his parents like? Does he have a good relationship with them? Does he respect and honor his Mom and Dad even if he is not in agreement with them nor share their same interests? If not—watch out.
Others – Is he respectful toward others or does he mock or treat disdainfully those who are different, weaker, less intelligent, more intelligent, richer, poorer, homely, etc. Does he have to be the best, the coolest, the most popular, the funniest, the center of attention? Is he able to give of himself in time, energy, and ability?
Outlook On Life – Is he an optimist or a pessimist? Is he cynical? How does he respond to obstacles, disappointments and failures? What is his response to unpleasant people? Does he recognize situations as a part of life? Is he able to get on with business after a temporary setback, or does he “shut down?”
Mistakes – Can he make mistakes without getting upset? Does he take advantage of the learning process that results from mistakes? Does he take responsibility for his mistakes or does he blame others for them? Does he allow others to make mistakes or does he expect perfection?
Common Sense – Is he able to reason and think logically or do his actions harm and baffle those around him?
Self Control – Does he show self-control in speech, behavior, temper, finances and spending? This area especially can make or break a relationship. Be careful.
Ability to Think for Himself – Very important. A person who cannot think for himself will not be confident in his role as a husband or parent. A person with a strong sense of right and wrong will stand up for right and truth instead of following other people’s lead and harmful influence.
Responsibility – Can he be counted on every time? Does he take initiative to do what needs to be done or does he need to be told or begged before he will take action? Does he grumble and complain about work or personal projects or does he see them as opportunities?
Vision – Can he get a picture of the future and act to bring his vision to fruition while living in the “now?”
Trustworthy – Do not even bother with him if he is not trustworthy! No excuses.
Financially Stable – Are his finances thriving, growing, solid or is he constantly in debt, out of control, or always borrowing money? Beware! (There are many good books on this subject.)
Growth – Is he a seeker of truth and wisdom? Does he pursue his own personal growth and delight in learning? Does he desire to improve himself or is he content to just stay the same? Does he routinely read books to expand his knowledge and develop interests? Does he encourage your growth as well?
Work – is he a good worker, a smart worker working well with others and know when to start and stop? Does he contribute something valuable while at work? Does he have good work ethics? Can he balance his priorities or does work encompass all of his time and energy?
Ethics – Does he have a strong sense of ethics and morals? Where does he get them? A real man will never use a woman to meet his own selfish desires or “try” her out to see how she fits his own personal needs.
Health – Does he pursue an active role in taking care of his body and health? Does he have a concern for what he feeds his body as well as his mind? With today’s health crisis, this is not an issue to take lightly. Once a person loses their health, it is very difficult and costly to regain it. Invest in the future with prevention now.
Set Boundaries – Will he set boundaries when necessary? This deals with saying no to anything that might threaten commitments, integrity, reputation, and well-being of himself and loved ones. A person with boundaries will not sabotage his own best efforts.
Purpose – Does he have a sense of purpose in his life, a sense of who he is and his place in the world? This person will have direction and momentum and will not sit around and stagnate.
Goals – Has he developed goals in all areas of his life and keep a written record of them i.e., what he wants, where he is going and how he is going to get there? Can he be flexible and change his goals as the necessity arises?
Integrity – Does he do what he says he is going to do? Do his actions match his words? This is absolutely essential.
Philosophy – Does he desire to know who he is and why he is. Has he cultivated his ideas of life, love, the SOVEREIGN, and family? Does he practice a lifestyle that supports the belief system that he embraces?
Entertainment – What does he do for fun and leisure? What kind of hobbies does he have? Does he balance his time alone and his time with others?
Compassion – How does he behave toward the unfortunate, the helpless, animals, and children? This area can be very revealing; do not ignore this.
Kindness and Courtesy – Is he repelled by others arrogance and vulgar behavior?
Joy – So much joy is needed today but so often absent.
Women’s Nature
I would like to address an observation I have made that seems common among females. Women tend to be especially prone to this because by nature they are nurturers. Women have instincts to help others. They like to help people solve their problems and do not like to see people suffer or go through mental anguish. Although this can be a very positive attribute, women often allow this to take a harmful turn for the hurting party and themselves.
Women like to save people from their problems--especially men. There are some difficulties that accompany this. The fact is that not all people want to be saved. Some people actually want to be “stuck” in their problems because this gives them an excuse; an excuse to be angry, unforgiving, sick, irresponsible, not growing or always blaming others for their unhappiness. These may be the types who are always analyzing their problems possibly going to counselors for a long period of time for the same reasons. They are never able to resolve their issues. (Do not misunderstand me. Typically counseling is a good thing.)
And then the opposite can be true. Some people want others to come alongside and save them from their problems. This way one never has to take responsibility for causing his own unhappiness or never has to put forth the effort to change his situation. This type may even refuse all counseling. In either case neither type of person has grown up so we must refuse to take on their issues as our personal mission. Women who do this may feel they are doing great things for humanity and feel indispensable to the one being saved. This attitude is very dangerous for any relationship and is a sure prescription for future misery. If a man honestly desires to work through painful issues and resolve them, there are men’s groups that provide excellent counsel, support, and accountability.
Boys Need Associations With Their Fathers
My husband and I have learned that all boys need to grow into manhood through association with men, not women. Ideally the process involves the father, grandfather, and other male relatives. Unfortunately our society has lost this sense of paternal responsibility and has dropped this most important role of parenting. The failure to groom a boy into manhood has left countless boys walking around in adult bodies. They still carry around their childhood emotional wounds and can best be helped by encouraging them to link up with an accountability/support group for men. If a man has not had this kind of leadership and training then this is something that they should do for themselves without fail. If the man you are considering a relationship with has not been exposed to such procedures, your encouragement to do so would be a very kind and caring thing to do.
Sexualilty
Many people are under the impression that a satisfying love relationship is dependent on the sex organs, that they determine the happiness between two people. I would submit that the sex organs are secondary players in the love relationship. I believe the mind plays the most important role in romance and that a woman’s response to a man is directly connected to his integrity and trustworthiness. How about that! Let me say it again. The quickest way to kill romance is for a man to lack integrity. The way to kindle romance is to practice impeccable integrity. You will believe this when you experience the benefits or consequences of what you practice.
Sexuality is a wonderful part of life. It is a very good thing in its proper place. Misused it is a deadly weapon and brings great sorrow. Too much body too soon can short-circuit a tender, growing relationship. Solid trust sealed by commitment in a covenant relationship 1 is the right time to share this gift. This commitment has traditionally been called “marriage.”
Ladies, being feminine is not an insult to the female gender. Men treat women differently when they wear a dress; they treat her like she is someone special. That is not weakness; it is a good thing.
It is not acceptable to tease or encourage anyone to entertain thoughts of romance with you if you can not seriously consider them a candidate. This type of behavior is cruel, selfish and a waste of time.
It is not true that a woman can be “just friends” with a man. Boundaries should be maintained that limit a relationship from appearing to be more to a man than a woman intends it to be. Females do not realize that too much eye contact and friendliness give most men the idea that the woman is open to romance when she has nothing of the sort in mind. But that mindset is just the way men are designed--it is their nature. It is important to accept the differences between the genders and appreciate them. Ladies can really hurt men without realizing it.
In Summary
For a point of beginning go over all of the areas listed above. You will probably think of other areas to add to the list. Time spent doing this will be well worth the effort. Be sure to look at this list often evaluating and reevaluating it. Develop your standards for a relationship very carefully. Do not accept mediocrity from yourself; strive higher than that. Be a person of virtue and you will have something of value to offer a good, righteous mate.
Remember your sense of dignity and self respect and do not throw yourself at members of the opposite sex. Appreciating the attractive form of the opposite sex is fine, but realize the package beneath the cover may not be as pleasing. Your goal is to get a package as stunning as the wrapping!
Scrutinize the person’s character and accept the fact that you can not change them. Only the “other person” is responsible for changing his/her own character. Any coercion applied through emotional manipulation or threats will not produce real change.
Seeking counsel from older and wiser individuals can be invaluable. Accepting advice from peers is the norm today but often has drastic consequences. Wisdom comes with time and experience and peers seldom have developed this. Look for a mentor who has exhibited success in their life over a period of decades. Choose one who is doing right things and has a wealth of information and counsel to share. Unlike what our society of today thinks, white hair and wrinkles are a privilege and something to be revered not scorned.
I hope these ideas will challenge you and benefit you in such a way that blessings will abound from the decisions you make. Remember that you affect the outcome of your life as well as the lives of people who are a part of your world. May you prosper and have abundance on The Royal Road to Romance and rejoice in the life you will share one day with the love of your life!
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